the elephant in the room

--someone needs to read this and maybe he will understand a little bit better.

i first started this blog last 2007, i STARTED IT out of boredom , and to make my "advertisement" a little bit more personal. its never a super personal thing that narrates everything in my life.

i have always been someone who loved life.

i love shopping, i love dating, i love fine dining and i love enjoying what i have.

this is what i usually write.

i wrote a lot of my frolics, but never the most important things to me which i kept to myself.

i am in a relationship with someone.....

and i never post about us, because it is something that I only share with my friends and family.

its a personal thing i keep to myself.

but you read this and you got hurt. i deleted a lot of what i wrote and stopped writing.

the only unfair thing about this, is that you knew me before you went out with me.

we dont talk about a lot of things and i think it became like an elephant in the room.

i know the mistakes i made. i know the mistakes you make.

but im not a wasp. and i dont want to stay quiet about what is missing.

and i know when you point out my mistake I usually attack too.

story of our dates.

what is so difficult is that i have laid my cards on the table.

i know what i want. i am willing to stop and become a real couple.

i am always asked to wait and i did.

there is always a catch 22.

but i am like anyone else, i make mistakes.

i have needs. and i have my struggles

and slowly the relationship degraded, but we both try to keep it going.

i went through something extremely personal.

and all i was wishing for, was something to save me from myself.

i know i shut you down and i made so many mistakes along the way.

a lot of people has bailed on me. i know people made effort to make me understand how important i am to them.

but i guess i was trying to grab a life preserve because i was drowning.

and i needed more than just a kind word to save me. someone saying that they are there.

i needed something concrete in my life to sorround me to keep me from crumbling.

its very difficult especially if you care for someone and they keep on judging you, but they dont know the whole story.

and they dont know that what they say can destroy you and hurt you so much.

i remember us chatting lately and i said " im trying to look for people who are really there for me"

realistically, we are not in a relationship...honestly, where are we...a gray area again?

im not in a relationship...

but when you care about people, and they say, they tried...

when i am just here too, waiting....

i am trying to understand too...

i am trying to work on it too....

i dont have the same capacity as before, and its more difficult for me.

i am rebuilding my life from scratch, and "you are still leading yours"

my personal life comes up because i am more vocal about it and its out there....

but what do i know about yours?

aside from the little information you say?

an office i never see?

friends i never meet?

a house i was never invited to?

i maybe clouded before, but i guess all i want now is not to be yanked around.

i say i love you because i mean it. I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU

i am trying to make myself better because i want you to be proud of me.

but if you are giving up on me again...i dont have the energy to fight for us.

im sorry that my personal struggles has hindered for us to grow.

but i think you know what we both did. what we both lack.

and when the dark cloud parted, we can both understand.

i have just been yanked. hurt. kicked. punched.

and i need to be whole again.

but your words can really pull me down the drain.

i wrote your name on my skin too. but your name is the tattoo i never regret

i cant believe this still hurts