i love life


i am a hopeless romantic and one bad date away from being cynical. i am a sucker for the written word. i love robert jordan, as much as that performance artist lady gaga or that crackwhore amy winehouse. i like reality shows and every tv show which exploits drama. I love TYRA, with her narcissism and her smize..i curse, weep and howl. i hate dumb people, and yet i think i am dumb most of the time. i am a drama queen, but i also smile the sweetest of smiles and bellow ear-shattering laughters. i frown at incompetence but screams for pleasure. i squirm when bored and squirm when tittilated. i am a connoisseur of visual and aural feasts--of all things ethereal and sublime ; ghastly and profane; a sense of aesthetics is my best friend, i like latex and pvc. i am a friend. a confidant. a lover. a mistress. a doting girlfriend. i am a creature who enjoys pigging-out on her favorite food in silence while watching crappy reality shows,then feels guilty after. i am butter melting deliciously on your tongue. i am narcissistic and extremely vain.a camera-whore who flirts with the lens on like, a regular basis. i am edward-smitten;and chris evan too.and everyday i adore a different man. i live in the present, and pop culture is my religion;i am always politically correct, but i think political correctness leads us to think like a herd, i dont think its a fault of people to think differently from mine, until we take the time to make a difference, but i take maliscious happiness in the misery of others and i religiously read perezhilton and tmz for my favorite celebrity like britney and others, and i secretly wish that lindsay will fuck it up , drink and sound the scram bracelet once more and be thrown in jail... . i am sometimes, laid back, i start and have no follow through like this blog which i have forgotten so many times. i am a person with so many gifts, and i feel like i owe it to myself to write my experiences, because i have been gifted with so much and i need to share it to the world,
.i kick myself when i fail, i hug myself when i succeed. i dare to live in waking dreams. i am a bit of a tragedy and a resounding success. i am beauty and ugliness. i love my body because its strong and i hate it because its strong. i always wish to be thinner, but i always wish to be healthier. i am a walking irony. i am dominant , but passive-aggressive. i am sane and crazy. i am happy and sad. i am shadow and light. agony and ecstasy. cold as ice. hot as fire. ..take a deep breathe
love me or hate me.
i am wholistic and i am real.
i am far from perfect.



cage me up

cage me up

Monday, June 14, 2010

the elephant in the room

--someone needs to read this and maybe he will understand a little bit better.

i first started this blog last 2007, i STARTED IT out of boredom , and to make my "advertisement" a little bit more personal. its never a super personal thing that narrates everything in my life.
i have always been someone who loved life.
i love shopping, i love dating, i love fine dining and i love enjoying what i have.
this is what i usually write.
i wrote a lot of my frolics, but never the most important things to me which i kept to myself.
i am in a relationship with someone.....
and i never post about us, because it is something that I only share with my friends and family.
its a personal thing i keep to myself.
but you read this and you got hurt. i deleted a lot of what i wrote and stopped writing.
the only unfair thing about this, is that you knew me before you went out with me.
we dont talk about a lot of things and i think it became like an elephant in the room.
i know the mistakes i made. i know the mistakes you make.
but im not a wasp. and i dont want to stay quiet about what is missing.
and i know when you point out my mistake I usually attack too.
story of our dates.
what is so difficult is that i have laid my cards on the table.
i know what i want. i am willing to stop and become a real couple.
i am always asked to wait and i did.
there is always a catch 22.
but i am like anyone else, i make mistakes.
i have needs. and i have my struggles
and slowly the relationship degraded, but we both try to keep it going.
i went through something extremely personal.
and all i was wishing for, was something to save me from myself.
i know i shut you down and i made so many mistakes along the way.
a lot of people has bailed on me. i know people made effort to make me understand how important i am to them.
but i guess i was trying to grab a life preserve because i was drowning.
and i needed more than just a kind word to save me. someone saying that they are there.

i needed something concrete in my life to sorround me to keep me from crumbling.
its very difficult especially if you care for someone and they keep on judging you, but they dont know the whole story.
and they dont know that what they say can destroy you and hurt you so much.
i remember us chatting lately and i said " im trying to look for people who are really there for me"
realistically, we are not in a relationship...honestly, where are we...a gray area again?
im not in a relationship...
but when you care about people, and they say, they tried...
when i am just here too, waiting....
i am trying to understand too...
i am trying to work on it too....
i dont have the same capacity as before, and its more difficult for me.
i am rebuilding my life from scratch, and "you are still leading yours"
my personal life comes up because i am more vocal about it and its out there....
but what do i know about yours?
aside from the little information you say?
an office i never see?
friends i never meet?
a house i was never invited to?
i maybe clouded before, but i guess all i want now is not to be yanked around.
i say i love you because i mean it. I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU
i am trying to make myself better because i want you to be proud of me.
but if you are giving up on me again...i dont have the energy to fight for us.
im sorry that my personal struggles has hindered for us to grow.
but i think you know what we both did. what we both lack.
and when the dark cloud parted, we can both understand.
i have just been yanked. hurt. kicked. punched.
and i need to be whole again.

but your words can really pull me down the drain.
i wrote your name on my skin too. but your name is the tattoo i never regret

i cant believe this still hurts

Thursday, June 10, 2010

the masturbation fantasy


one thing i learned. to be able to write with a proper flow, we must only write about things that we know.
and since i have been celibate for almost three months now( i know i know its pathetic) i am on hormone therapy, so I have as much urge as someone on chemo.( no offense)
so to put a little bit of spice on this blog, i will write about my masturbation fantasy.
well not a fantasy, its one of those sexual experience that change us....its so GOOD, it can keep us going, especially when we fake arousal with a mediocre partner.
mine is mr. stone.
my masturbation fantasy today. yesterday. and tomorrow.
i met mr stone in HONGKONG thru adultfriendfinder
it was an exciting weekend, and I am dressed in my beautiful ( uniform looking) zara button up red and white super mini dress, I was choosing between Mr Stone and some other guy. I always see to it that I have a choice, especially on weekends. We all have to be smart this day and age of dating.
I usually dont Go for younger men, because a lot of them have hang ups, and I just dont want to deal with baggages. Im a tranny, I have enough drama in my life.
But for some reason, I decided to meet mr stone....
And as I walked in Coyote(the mexican bar and resto) in lockhart road, I saw him.
Fuck he is hot.
Fleshy, toned, well dressed, piercing blue eyes like a siberian husky, wearing the tightest pair of jeans, showing off his round super tight BOTTOM. He is tall, and had enough product on his hair to cook a wok( thank you jane lynch)
Of course I didnt show my instant admiration, I know he seen me, and his jaw dropped...Just the way I like it. I only go with men who is attracted to me, everyone has an option to say NO.
But as I get to know this man, not only is he handsome, but such a charming intelligent man as well. I mentally erased my contingency plan and secretly declined my " reserve guy" thru sms hehe
He is an environmentalist, saving the orangutans in indonesia. oh how i wish to be in the jungle with him, and do nasty things in front of the wildlife. this probably sounds better in my head.
he is an american--and i usually hate american cockiness, but its rare that i can meet an american who is as liberated, as charming, and as well dressed as mr stone...
he also has this New Jersey accent which I though is sooo adorable.
i am horny as hell, and we have been making out like hormone crazed teen agers.
I was so tempted to take him home , but i decided that MR STONE needs to be shown.
He is an arm candy and I would love to walk around with him...the night is LONG
So I showed him off to my bestfriends... Portia, who has a thing for Bears instantly liked him. "stay away !!!!"
as shown in the photos, my two bestfriends cant keep their hands of my Mr STone.
then he surprised me again...
He can dance. a white guy who can dance? not only rare....but almost extinct.
he is so good looking and so metrosexual, he became sexually ambigous, and we were in GECKO, a popular gender friendly bar.
then i noticed all the gay guys and the trannies and the women started to gravitate on my GUY.
I got territorial and took him HOME.
Just as we entered his hotel room, we kissed each other so hard,we barely closed the door, i can feel his stubles just rubbing and making my face red. I am so aroused of his hunger for me...
he slammed me on a wall, and i can feel his hard body pressing me, and his erection just above my navel.
and suddenly,he ripped my dress, and threw me on the bed.
and before i knew it, he is on top of me, kissing me, licking me everywhere....
i was on a haze, drunk of vodka and my need for him to take me,
i can feel his hand going up my skirt and pulling my panties down, and the other, just grabbing my breast...HARD....
and as i moaned and arched my back in pure pleasure, he went down on me,
he is fully dressed and i kept on pulling up his shirt,
but he is just licking and sucking my cock,
i was almost screaming, he is licking my balls and my ass, then sucking my cock
and i kept on pulling back, I was so horny, I would come anytime

so with all my might...i pushed him back and ask him to strip for me...
and he did....
he has a smirk on his face and danced a little,
he did this little strip show,
i can still picture it in my head.
i was thinking..."damn, im a lucky girl"...
Not only is he good in bed, he is sooooo HOT....naked....
he pulled his shirt off, and his body is ripped and glistening, im almost fainting,
his pants is bulging with erection, and he came over,
he sort of read my mind, and knew that I want to be the one to open his pants,
like a gift with an exciting surprise,
so i pulled his zip open and i exposed a bulging a red cotton briefs....
and as i pulled it down, i exposed a throbbing long shaft,

his cock looks as he does....
LONG , thick, PINK, AMAZING--thanks samantha
and before I knew it, I was sucking it...it was one of those cocks that just tastes so good, you could suck it for hours....
and while i suck his 8 inch cock, he went down on me too....
a tangle of limbs, hungry mouths, erotic bodies
I cant remember the time, when I really enjoyed 69, but i enjoyed it this time. I enjoyed it so much, i just came in his mouth, and before i knew it, he was pumping his LOAD on mine.
It was so n sync---- i just know we are feeling the same way about each other
We both swallowed....and then kissed.
...then we cuddled, kissed and talked for hours, and came some more...
I usually love to fuck and Im so KINKY, to do something so simple and be so aroused, is very rare for me....
i think he is my masturbation fantasy, because I know that I can spend so much time with this guy, just kissing, and prolonging the urge it can GO on and ON....
and before i knew it, his roommate came....
it was a surprise....his roommate is a closeted gay man (SUPER SUPER HANDSOME) working as a pilot in the US armed forces( they were at the renaissance), i was thinking "ARE going to have a threesome..."
it was 4 am, and somehow i was weirded out....and suddenly i am thinking, are they together???
and thats another BLOG for another time....
also, MR stone, followed me to singapore.....

Hmmmn...i feel so free writing this...i will write so much more

my ONLY boyfriend


so after three consecutive FAILED relationships.
I decided that my only boyfriend right now is my constant companion, the aptly named Palermo. ( the name of the style)
My big louis vuitton bag.
Unlike my other exes....
it will never leave me and cheat on me...
it gets better with age...
it always makes me look good...
it always look stylish
i can carry it everywhere...
and i can never dump it...

hah....i wish i could say this about a guy
if i want a FUCK, id just cruise.
Internet makes it easy to look for conquests...
and i will make sure I will post my frolics here.

i wish to be alone tonite....
Palermo, go sleep on the chair.

how many of you can say that!?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

the TATTOO



....so i have always abstained from getting a tattoo...
i chickened out the first time I was to have it...in Koh Samui, with my best friend Portia.
Its not that I am afraid of the pain... I had liquid silicone injected on my hips, so my pain tolerance is quite high .
i just want to have a bit more meaning to my first tattoo...and my best friend was planning for a long time, so its ok for her. a tattoo isnt supposed to be done on impulse( like purchasing an ugly purse just because its on sale).

then comes this man, who has changed everything in my life.
i dont know if he is my rebound guy because i just came from another relationship.
but we got engaged ....so he is technically my ex fiance... yup. . . i actually believed i can be tied down.
there was even a flawless diamond ring...oh how i miss wearing it.
but thats another story for another time.

lesson learned though-- never get a tattoo of the name of your lover.
it will be a painful memory( trust me on this)

its like a recipe for REGRET...most of the people who gets a tattoo of their lovers always end up breaking up with their partners. its like a JINX
take a cue from angelina--of billy bob( and many many more people who has the name of their ex engraved on their skin)
so avril lavigne getting a tattoo of brody jenner means their relationship will go kaput in a month.
im just lucky I got mine just below the neck , so now i have to wear my hair long all the time.
i got another one, a flower from the yorkshire flag ( he is from north yorkshire), at least that looks just like a flower...

so in the end, after a tumultous relationship with another man...
i am single again...
and i am happy.
i have been succesfully deconstructed by people who are fucked up themselves.

im 30 with two tattoos, a bag of regrets, a good head and a nice surprise between my legs.
i will find my man...and i will make sure, my name is written ...not on his skin...
but on his heart.( im not that cynical yet)
I just know that there is someone out there, who is as crazy as me and has a lot more balls to carry a relationship with a proud transexual...
...not some fluffy pseudo- straight man who bit more than he can chew.
wow...im HATING

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

i am back with a vengeance



so...i am back....
finally...after a long long long journey.
the fact that i came back to this blog means i really made it.
funny...how life takes you to wild turns that is both enjoyable and blinding.
first of all, i just want to thank all those people who has loved this blog....
and all i want to say right now is....I AM BACK....
three things I realized...
we dont need men to complete us. hallmark wisdom are for the hopeless romantic blinded by the freight train about to hit them.
second, its ok to be alone....as long as being alone means you are sorrounded by people who really cares for you.....( friends and family)...after all, they are the people who will always be there for you till the end( even if you look like a year old leather vuitton bag)\
third, dont forget who you are...I loved too much and compromised who I am to make people feel comfortable...but I started to believe my lesser self...and its NOT GOOD....
I deleted a good amount of this BLOG because some guys i date think that I sabotage myself from being a serial dater...
well fuck you all...i know its not ladylike.... but its the first time i can be honest because i am unattached.

I am a person who is too fabulous to be owned....I need to be shared.

yes i know im cocky...AND A LOT MORE CYNICAL...
but i guess with all these heartaches(twice engaged) ....it will take edward norton to tie me down...

but again...
now I hit the big 30....its a century in trannies world...
but what i have is more wisdom...and im not an empty husk of physical prowess....
whats in your head never age....and you can only tweak so much of how you look...

oh wow...it feels good venting.

all i can say now....
\
IM 30 and fuckin FABULOUS.... TAke that ( all u heartbreakers)

smile smile

time to turn on my samantha

If You CouLd Read My Mind Love

If You CouLd Read My Mind Love
What a tale my thoughts would tello